Annihilation of the Ego
I have been working with the energy of a volcano. I don’t know why I am surprised when that energy begins to work with me even when I least expect it.
It is yet another tale of “be careful what you wish for.”
This is an article about unwinding, letting go, the dismantling of “who I think I am” or ego (self with a small s).
I met with a shamanic group I’ve been together with for a long time.
We met via Zoom, and I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it packed a punch that I am still reeling from.
One of the exercises we were given was to remove each medicine piece from our mesas (healing altars). At the end of this process the mesa would be empty of everything but the cloth.
Part of the process was to breathe in the medicine, or teaching, of each piece through our belly and our heart, then let go of the teaching and any attachment to the piece by breathing outward through the crown. During this process, the pieces were held over each corresponding part of the body.
I’ve carried a mesa for over 20 years. While pieces cycle on and off regularly as the teaching or energy of the piece is completed, there were still around 50 pieces on the altar. All containing a significant amount of energy.
During the hour and a half that I spent removing the pieces — breathing in the teachings and letting them go — I could feel little metaphorical pieces of me flying off and landing scattered on the floor around me.
I kept hearing the words “You are not who you think you are,” over and over like a mantra.
At the end of the exercise I felt empty and unraveled. It is now a few days later and I have no idea how to put the pieces back — both literally and figuratively.
The dismantling of the self (ego) is a process that it is wise to undertake with some regularity. Right at the moment the outer world is doing a good job of this for many.
By doing it more intentionally I am hoping to become more involved in the process of what comes next.
Right now, I am okay with having the blank canvas of the mesa in front of me for the time being.
I feel like it would be false somehow if I just put the pieces back on — even in a new way. The medicine teachings they contain is a part of me; it can’t be lost. It has brought me to where I am today.
So, I am just sitting with the discomfort. Trying to find what is authentic. Trying to connect with the Self (with the big S). Trusting in the process and allowing (hopefully) the creation of something new to be born.
Chewed up and spit out by the volcano. Loving the pieces of what is left.
